I don’t have anyone to talk to so I figured I’d utilize this blog in order to vent. Attempting to pour my heart out on tumblr, lol what has my life come to… if you did read that, thanks you’re a great person. I’m just excited to look back months from now and be like “what the fuck was I thinking.” Hopeful thoughts.
I sometimes look at other people and I’m so envious of how they can be so sure of who they are and what they are and not giving a fuck, not caring about what people are thinking of them. It must be such a wonderful thing to be so genuine with yourself and not being afraid of showing it. I always thought I knew who I was. Thinking about it now, I’m not so sure. Maybe I am sure, I’m just afraid of judgment and rejection. I haven’t always had this mindset, there was a time in my life where I felt whole and complete, probably because I had a strong support system behind me that always accepted me for me and loved me unconditionally. Unfortunately, for some reason, I took those people for granted. I’ve done some shitty things to the people I love the most, to the people I need the most. For the first time in my life, I don’t have a strong support system. I have to be my own support system, and I don’t know how to do that just yet. I’m sure I’ll get there someday. My “family” was my friends. Some say family is the most important thing, however I don’t think I’ve ever been myself around my own family at any point. Guess I didn’t want to disappoint them, guess I always thought, “what father wants a flamboyant homosexual as a son,” not saying anything bad about my father, he truly is an amazing human being, it’s 100% on my part. My own insecurities and fear has led be down a path to cover up who I am and not reveal my true self in order to protect myself from a life of rejection, when in reality not being myself has made me fall into a sort of depression. Not saying I’m depressed, trust me I know there are a lot of people out there that have it a lot worse than me. Basically everything I’m feeling is inside my head, I don’t have any legitimate reason to be feeling the way I am. I’m just a pussy, a baby, I need to grow up and get over it, and fuck it, if someone doesn’t accept me for who I am, they don’t deserve me in their life. It’s hard because I feel like I am a good person and I want people to see that and like me, and I just don’t understand how someone could judge you on who you are. I wouldn’t ever do that to anyone. I guess you can’t make everyone like you. Life doesn’t work that way. Guess it’s kinda sad that it took me 20 years to realize that I have many flaws and insecurities that I need to work on.